It All Depends

I FIND THAT RUNNING ANY KIND OF LIQUID through a nozzle causes me to have to pee.

This week it happened during my fill-up at my local gas station -- not a convenient time to have to relieve one’s bladder as my hands were already fully occupied performing the necessary ritual of filling my tank. The cold weather seems to compound the situation and pinching off my “special purpose” (The Jerk, 1979) through my pants is still frowned upon in my neighborhood.

This began to happen in my younger days when operating a hose during my golf course maintenance job. I would be syringing greens with water from a hose when the urge would hit me -- I guess the sound relaxes certain muscles in my urinary tract. I really don’t know how it all works. Maybe it is conditioned in one’s childhood around drawing a warm bath.

It happens a lot more now that I’m a senior citizen. Like in the shower at my girlfriend’s house when I’m shaving and lately even when I’m doing my dishes at my kitchen sink. I’m not kidding.

I mean why does the sound of liquid running through a tap or spigot activate neurotransmitters to cause me to have to relieve myself? I keep trying to think of an evolutionary bent to this phenomenon with little success.

It is even more complicated with this additional tidbit. I seem to be checking my zipper more often. It usually hits me as I walk the grocery aisles where I get engaging smiles from other shoppers. I would prefer it to be females, but guys seem to smile too. My not-very-subtle move with either hand checking the status of my zipper is a clear giveaway to anyone who is half alive. A grin or smirk seems to best describe the reaction I get.

My girlfriend keeps hinting that she wants a water feature off her patio for the calming effect it brings. I remind her that we both could enjoy it especially if we immediately bought stock in Kimberly-Clark the maker of Depends.